What do you want to create? Where are you putting your attention? Are you dragging forward your sadness and your negative manifestations from the past? Are you already programming your future to follow the same template of lack and regret? Who do you want to be? And what do you want your reality to look like? What movie are you choosing from the catalogue of box sets available to you? My intention was always to heal my trauma. I'm so broken and so sad because of what life has done to me, and I cannot see a clear way out. My life will always be like this so I'd better get used to being miserable and left behind. I can never be the right size or the right stereotype. My fate has been sealed and destiny has only one path. I can struggle against the tide as much as I want, but the current will always overwhelm me.
Now I sense my expansion into a greater understanding. I exist beyond this body and my sense of purpose and growth towards bliss comes from blending into an energy that I cannot see. There is a vast ocean of consciousness of which I am a part. I can change from moment to moment and it all depends on what intention I put out into the field. Like a fleck of sand that forms the focus of a pearl, what I think and what I believe dictates everything I see and experience around me. In this way I am not my trauma. I am not my sadness. I am not my resentment. I am not my disappointment. I am not my rage. These are parts of the field that I call towards me, and now I wipe the board clean and start anew.
For a time I was within the void. As the facade of fitting in dissolved around me, so did the faces and the relationships that supported my fallacy. The stillness and the space unravelled me like pulling the thread on a stitch gone wrong. The lack of cohesion and empty space felt like I ceased to be, like all the pixels of the screen became scrambled and I was faced with the spinning wheel of a confused microchip. And now little by little, I feel flecks of sparkling light gathering around me. They come magnetised by the person I want to be and the belief I have now that there is nothing that cannot be changed or that cannot be undone. Like fairy godmothers flittering around cinderella, the rags of my past are slowly being replaced by the splendour of my future. I no longer worry that I will not be understood or accepted for my new understanding of reality. Wisdom has appeared from the universal realm and is sinking into my form so that I cannot help but act and shape my world accordingly.
Who knows where this will end. I've asked myself this so many times. What is the point? What is the goal? What am I doing all this work for? But I am learning to breathe, to allow, to listen to the soft gentle voice within that whispers insights when I am brave enough to let the silence exist alongside my anxious chattering mind. The sense of connection to a greater whole is lovingly tending the peace that I have spent so long yearning for. I am still here and I am still hopeful despite my constant desire to be released from what I perceive to be my difficult, heavy life. Deep soul healing has set me free. But not from a life I was desperate to relinquish as too challenging, but from my mind and my beliefs which told me these things were unsurmountable. Opening yourself up to the creative potential that lies in every cell of your body is an empowering state to be in. So now rather than focusing on what I wish to escape, I'm now exploring what I want to create. What world do I want to live in? Who do I actually want to be without the confines of the role I thought was mine forever? I am reshaping my past and my future in each present moment. I have unfollowed my gurus, silenced my counsellor, and started listening to me. I hold the unfolding of life in my hands, and I am learning that I don't need anything else.