This is not how it’s supposed to be. I thought that ‘doing the work’, ‘ascending’, and ‘following the call of the Spirit’ was supposed to make life easier, lighter, more joyful and abundant. So where is it? Where’s nirvana? Where’s New Earth? Where’s my enlightened tribe? Why instead does my heart hurt. Why do I feel sobs fighting to escape from my tightened chest. Why do I feel a grumbling primal roar grumbling in my belly. Why am I looking around me as if with fresh eyes, waking from a sedated state, looking at people and places and objects, feeling like I don’t belong, like I’m detached from it all. Watching in horror as relationships fade, dissolve, and fall away from my life like mist rolling off the edges of a cliff.
I feel like I am standing in a room, floating in space. A bright red door behind me which represents all I have ever been and all I have ever known about myself. Somehow I know it’s a door that I can’t return to. At my feet I sense solid ground, ahead of me ethereal mist. Perhaps a yellow door or two, but no clear way forward. I am hesitant, fearful, feel my heart pounding in my chest. I feel a force within howling, raging, beating fists, fighting against the winds of change with all I’ve got. And yet, with each deep breath a stillness comes.. Like walking into the woods in the early morning, stepping out onto the banks of the river at dusk, or slipping beneath the oily waters of the lake of your consciousness during meditation. That moment of pause, of delicate hesitation, before the inevitable burst of life and activity that signals a new cycle of life has begun.
I know what I have to do. I know what my Ego is railing against. I need to simply let go and step forwards. Because this is the new way. There are no obvious preset stepping stones to follow in logical sequence. That was my old life. Now the uncertainty is part of the trust. Step forward into the mist and the way, the tribe, the trail angels, gateways, portals, and golden threads of synchronicity will start to appear. But none of that can happen until I make the first move. It all starts with me. There are angels and guides ready to help, but it all starts with me. Spirit lies coiled, twitching, waiting for my awareness to shine a light on Her, but it all starts with me. My divinity, my purpose, my potential all suspended, poised in mid air, until I give the signal that I’m ready.
When your heart hurts so much you can’t stand the pain and the torment of being in this body, in this situation, in this lifetime, and you just want to go home, that’s the sign. That’s the time you know change is coming. You just need to ask and to be open to what comes. Because what comes will inevitably be very different from what is falling away. It has to be. But we’re afraid that if we let go we’ll be left alone, irrevocably broken, sifting through the unrecognisable rubble of our lives trying to salvage what we can. But in the sifting and the sorting, shiny bits will sparkle and catch your attention. Shards of rock will make you smile as you cradle them in your hands. Gems will fashion themselves into works of art, and loving bodies will emerge out of the swirling dust to help expand the mosaic of the new you. It’s all possible. All happening now in the realm of realities. But it all starts with you…